When I look back over the past two years I have come so far in many ways, and not in many others.
Do I take the time to reflect on all the amazing things that I’ve seen & done? My life experienced? Reflect on realisations I’ve come too? Giant steps I’ve taken? Friends I’ve made? Things I’ve accomplished?
Or do I only think about what I haven’t done? Haven’t changed or haven’t achieved?
Of course it’s human nature to think about the latter. To let that consume you and to focus only on what you haven’t done, what you’ve lost or missed instead of what you have, where you are and how far you’ve come.
So I'm going to take a minute to turn that on its head. I'm going to take some time to look back and think about where I was 2 years ago versus where I am now.
Two years ago today I was living in Florida. I think I was actually in Madrid on this exact day 2 years ago. So hard to remember actual days/dates unless you really think about it.
I was waiting for the call to hear if I had got the job. The job I wanted so badly and completely that when I found out I had, I fell to my knees on the kitchen floor and cried. Thanking the world, god, the universe, anyone that would listen to how grateful I was. But what was I grateful for? The money? The opportunity? The job? The security? I didn’t want to move there. I didn’t know much about the job or the people really. So why? What?
What I came to realise, over time was that it was all about the money. Money was my butterfly, and I was chasing it instead of following my heart.
Don’t get me wrong, money is important. It’s great. It makes life simpler, easier, but it doesn’t make you happy. Only you can make you happy!
Just about a month later I was leaving Florida and everything I’d known for the past 6 years and moving to Columbus for that job, that life that I’d wanted so bad, done everything in my power to get and I felt sick. My entire body was shaking, my entire being in fact, was telling me not to go, that this was bad. But I’d asked the universe for this and of course it had delivered. So here I was!
You see, I had also thought about moving back to LA at this point too. I’d also asked the universe about that. And it had sent me signs - Feathers, numbers, tarot readings, hidden messages everywhere. And I’d seen them and heard them but ignored them. I followed the money. I was chasing happiness.
Everything was difficult about the move. Signs!
The job wasn’t what was promised. The weather was awful. Hell, I couldn’t even find the place I was supposed to be living in, the night I arrived. I walked around and around in the dark for hours dragging my suitcases for hours. I also got sick for the first time in almost 5 years. A physical manifestation of the universe and my mental state, I was miserable.
But why? Wasn’t this what I had wanted so badly!
I kept going of course, and it wasn’t all bad, I mean this is what I wanted wasn’t it. And me, being me, the eternal optimist, always seeing the good in the situation and making the best of it, said it was ok. I would make it work.
Those first couple of months were pretty tough. In and out of sickness, doing a job with my hands tied, that I didn’t love. Living alone in the mental and physical cold. Things improved with the weather, the job and the boys arriving in March. But still I wasn’t happy. And I definitely wasn’t following my heart or my purpose. I felt lost and dispassionate, something I wasn’t used to and hadn’t felt in years, if ever.
In June 2018 we moved into a beautiful house that was beyond even my wildest of dreams. When I look back and think about where I came from, where I grew up, it was a goddamn mansion. It was huge(way bigger than we needed), shiny, new and beautiful. But it might as well of been a prison, as it was a reflection of my mental state - Cold, miserable and uninviting. I hated that house. I didn’t like my job. I didn’t like my life. So I just drank and partied. Drowning my sorrows to try to dull this uncomfortable feeling of incompleteness I felt.
On the outside I probably looked fine. I had amazing experiences during this time, was earning lots of money, buying nice things and travelling the world. But I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t ‘in happiness’. I tried to be grateful, before I really knew what gratitude was. I mean, I should be grateful right? Look at my life, my house, my experiences. Stuff that others, including myself, once had only dreamed of. But I had this feeling of discontent that I couldn’t shake.
Have you ever just not felt at home somewhere? Had a feeling that you can’t settle or get comfortable no matter how hard you try? That was me, that was how I felt.
Then one bad thing after another started to happen. Mum got sick, Simon fell down the stairs, my company decided to sell or close the brand I worked for and way too many other little pain spots to mention. By December 2018, yes just one year ago, it felt like the world was closing in on me and there was uncertainty everywhere.
I tried to tell myself it would all be ok. I tried to change my attitude and be positive. I tried every day, but I was still miserable. I went to London to see family mid December, to try get some solitude, support, time to think and maybe some advice. That didn’t quite work out as planned. It turned out to be full of arguments and the usual family drama and I fell sick, again.
For Christmas we decided to go away, to get away, and you guessed it, much like London, it was rough. You see trouble follows you, you can’t escape yourself, you need to find yourself. Everywhere you go you take the weather with you! The vacation was a comedy of errors from the beginning. The universe was teaching me a lesson or two. The flight was cancelled, we lost our luggage and Simon and I were fighting. Not quite the peaceful & relaxing holiday I had envisioned.
In the end, when I look back. It ended up being a good trip. We got our luggage, eventually. The arguments between us cleared the air and we extended our stay to make up for the lost days of lost luggage and fighting (a perk of having money for sure).
There and then I decided to make the most of where we were, where we were at at that moment in our lives. To stop complaining, stop being miserable and take advantage of the situation whilst thinking about what's next. I came home with a different attitude and life begun to change.
The brand was bought! I still had a job Yay! Even though I didn't like it much at least I could pay the bills and save. Simon got better slowly from the bump on the head and I started to appreciate the house and the free time I had because I wasn’t working 24/7. It was then that I started to explore my spiritual side too, learning about gratitude, journaling, tarot and astrology.
I wasn’t where I wanted to be. Or doing what I wanted to do, but life was better. Nothing had changed. Same house, same job, same place. But life was better because my attitude had changed.
I had started practising gratitude for where I was and what I already had. I began to live ‘in happiness’ instead of chasing it, appreciating how blessed I was, instead of thinking about what I didn’t have, living in the moment whilst planning my next move.It was then that I started manifesting moving to Los Angeles and writing a book and starting my own business.
I begun enjoying where I was and appreciating what I already had. The house, the job, the love - my life, my now. The sun literally and figuratively came out!
That was April 2019 when I really started to focus on that. To visualise it, to write about it, to dream about it, to picture everything about it. And of course in the true fashion of the universe and the natural law of attraction, things started to happen.
The job got better, the LA dream felt closer and more achievable, summer was here, I was beginning to enjoy life, just as it was.
In July we met an amazing group of people that literally helped propel everything. Good people, great people! Positive people that were/are supportive, smart, special people. The kind that encourage you step out of your comfort zone, to believe in yourself. The kind that make you laugh, that support you. The kind of people you need to keep close!
I believe that meeting this group of people that I can now gratefully call friends, was the last step on that part of my journey. That they, unknowingly gave me the strength to make the move, take the leap and follow my heart and soul, even if it meant leaving them, and in turn another part of my heart behind.
And where am I now? December 2019! Exactly two years later? Living in LA and sitting here writing a book and working on starting my own business. Wow! Fucking wow!!
Dreams really do come true!
So much has happened. So much has changed. And I need to remember to be proud of myself for all that I’ve already achieved and how far I’ve come.
Look what happens when you put your mind to something, anything. It does happen! For good or bad it will happen if you put your mind, heart and soul into it. Something my mum once wrote was this.
“If you want something bad enough you are certain to get it. So make sure you want it or you might regret it”.
In the past two years I have lived a life most others wouldn’t dream of, in an entire lifetime. Five different houses in 3 different states. Sold two homes and bought one. Left two jobs and visited 13 countries. I have wished for something I didn’t really want and got it - and I have wished for something I really did want and got that too!
Then this morning I found myself wanting more. Being greedy! Not appreciating what it has taken me to get where I am today. Not being proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished. Not being grateful for all of it, or any of it. Not living in the moment. But instead chasing that happiness butterfly. Which if I had learnt my lesson before, I would know I would never catch.
So here I am waking up! All over again.
Appreciating where I am, what I’ve accomplished already and living in the moment.
Just watching that butterfly fly around! Happy! And planning my next move!